Lost and Found

The other night I lost my Grandmother's antique pendant off from my necklace. I had been so many places I figured it was a lost cause to even look for it. Yesterday at Liz's apt she handed it to me and said Dan had found it after I left. A bit later I found my car window smashed and my things stolen. I felt violated, not to mention super pissed that they stole my favorite bikini and beach bag. My solution was to spend 3 hours on the internet trying to replace them both. How I found the one bag of its kind left on the planet I will never know, and the luck of finding that although the swimsuit I found online is a different color it is now on sale for $10. Did I mention I also lost my job earlier this week? So many things I have lost, and so few that I have found. I'm feeling a complete loss of control in my life. Experiencing a bit of joy only because I was first violated and devastated really puts a painful spin on things. How bitter sweet...

Monotone Me. Where did the psycho go?

I've recently found that I have seriously mellowed out. I have my own speculations as to why. But a new attitude has come along with this more mellow me. And I'm not sure it suits me so well...

This new 'monotone me' has meant that most of the time I find emotion to be overrated and feelings to be frivolous. I figure if I can't purge what I'm experiencing into something creative then why bother feeling it all. I'll let myself feel something long enough to write a few bars of music, but once the song is done or I'm tired of playing, I'm done dealing with it. I tell myself: "Pretending the bad things never happened is my way of forgiving. And ignoring the better and the great things makes the bad things seem less abusive." But come on. Since when?

Something's up here- or rather, down. Who am I and what did I do with the beautiful psycho (or the typically emotional female) who occupied this heart before? Lame. I used to think I should have a heart tattooed on my arm, considering how I "wore it on my sleeve" for the last 20 years. Maybe getting my heart broken not so long ago made me react more like the owner of a wild tempered dog then a young girl with an open, eager, and badly wounded heart. Maybe I have unknowingly leashed and muzzled it instead of iced and bandaged it.

Whatever the reason for the change, I am not so much a fan of this new monotone. I leave the ones I love more lost than understanding. I am constantly miss understood because I can't even begin to form a sentence when I don't even know how I feel. I've been told that talking to me these days is like pulling teeth. This is funny considering it used to be getting me to stop talking was like trying to damn a river with toothpicks.

And not even my senses put much merit in what they experience- not the food I taste or the things I touch mean much anymore. And though I am far from unhappy, I miss finding the delight and even the grief in my world. I miss squealing when I have a burst of joy over finding the episode of Mythbusters I missed is on re-run on my night off, and crying when I feel fat or having a tantrum when my boyfriend is a butt face. But more than that, I miss the conversations that all of these emotions led to. I miss talking. I miss people knowing who I am. And I hate that people have to ask me what I'm thinking. Because since when have I not already told you?

In fact, this is the most I've talked about feelings since I can remember...

[The day I wrote this I ended up reaching the point at which I was completely and passionately tired of this particular mood. So I shook it off and moved on. Bring on the toothpicks baby.]

In the words of Matt Patrick...

"I have more desires than I have energy for. I am talented yet remain doubtful of my own abilities."

Whoa! Mr. Matt Patrick nailed my mood. NAILED it.

Tonsils, Jello, and a Mississippi Barge

I get my tonsils out in 8 days. And boy am I looking forward to it! I'm always getting sick because they are determined to kill me every chance they get. A few weeks ago I received the lovely gift of getting tonsillitis twice in two weeks. Boo. But the thing is I'm not looking forward to it because I get to lay around for a week and a half and eat jello and ice cream. The idea of not getting to work out and eating only store bought ice cream (which I hate!) for that long is a devastating concept to me. What I'm actually looking forward to is being in so much pain and so out of my mind delerious and distracted that I won't give a lick about anything else.

You see, it doesn't take much to get me stressed. I wear my heart on my sleeve and experience my emotions to their very extremes at times. My new job, new album, and new adorably wonderful love interest have all got me riding a bit of a wave at the moment. I find solace in 3 mile walks, really good country music, and laying in the grass- completely drenched in sunshine- staring out at the river as the barges go by. But as of late, I feel a little trap in the uncertainty of it all. And the aches and fears only get stronger and louder when the walk ends at my front door, the song is over, and it's time to head home...

Soon enough I'll have my answers to what each piece's future holds. And by then I'll have new ones needing new answers and I'll be back where I started after all...

Stage One: Phase Two- It's been a while now, hasn't it?

Oh how the days fly!!! Man!

It's been about a year and a half since I began this stage in my life and I'm ready to transition from 'Phase One' to 'Phase Two' of 'Stage One'. (Did you follow that? :-) So I ended up spending the last several months writing and re-evaluating.

Taking on my music as a whole is what I would consider the current stage of my life. And I hope that this stage will only end once I can enter the stage in which I (hopefully) will have found success. But there are a lot of steps and phases to go through before I reach the next stage where completely new challenges await. The last 5 months were the time I needed to figure out what all of that is going to end up looking like.

You're going to be hearing a little different sound from me these days. I'm staying loyal to my pop roots, absolutely. But I'm taking on the sounds and feel that got me here in the first place- the style that has always driven me.

I won't say much more than that. So you'll just have to check back and hear the new stuff as it comes.

:-)


And P.S. You can hear two of the new songs on Friday morning.

myspace.com/daniellethrush

- DT

Love and Fire

Diane Von Fusrtenburg's mother told her this: "Absence is to love as the wind is to fire; when it's a small fire the wind kills it, but when it's a real fire the wind intensifies it."

And I've heard this recently: "Love is friendship caught on fire."

It will hurt me to see you go, but I can't trust you if this is all I'll ever know.

- DT

Way back then...

As some of you may know, I’m a huge Taylor Swift fan. I love to belt along with her in the car when the windows are down and the music is cranked. A few weeks ago I saw a clip of her on TV talking about being a loner in Middle School. And I couldn’t help but smile. That was totally ME in Jr. High and High School. I was definitely the theater “nerd” and music “snob” – even back then. Everyone seemed to think they knew everything about me simply because they saw me in the musicals and talent shows. I knew that I felt different from what the other kids in school seemed to feel like. I had good grades, loved being in the theater, and refused to participate in some of the, let’s say less safe and school disapproved extra-curricular activities. I stood my ground on my values. My parents taught me that I had the strength to stand on my own two feet and defend what I knew was right. Peer pressure just couldn’t get through my tough skin. But it quickly became very obvious that my fellow students didn’t like people who weren’t like them, or who weren’t trying to be like them. I was singled out and judged for refusing to give in. And unfortunately, there weren’t many friends around to defend me.

That broke my heart. I wanted so badly for people to know who I was and understand that though I was different, different isn’t always bad.

But here I am, putting myself out on a limb for the world to decide if they love me and my music or not. Turns out being the odd one up for judgment in school prepared me for some of the things I’m going to go through now.

Knowing that reminds me to take each experience as it comes, because you never know what you might learn and how it could change your life down the road.